some snippets
by jaqueline-littlebird
Summary: A collection of unrelated snippets, drabbles and one-shots, because I'm chronically review-starved. Humour, crack, AU, all kinds.
1. Little God of Mischief

**A/N**: This is not a multi-chapter story but a collection of snippets, drabbles and one-shots, mostly written for LJ prompts, which do not merit a story entry of their own but I'm loading them up here anyway because I'm chronically review-starved.

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, Marvel's. No money made.

* * *

**Little God of Mischief**

Loki raised his hands in the same manner he usually did when playing ghost in their Niflheim make-belief games, sans the white bedsheet. „May mischief befall you, brother, before the morrow!"

Thor, still standing with his arms crossed, remained unimpressed. „No way will that work."

„You bet on it?" the dark-haired younger boy retorted.

Thor nodded. „Sure!"

„Your dessert at dinner, if I win." Loki stated.

„Done."

A little while later – nothing untowards had happened yet – the brothers were on their way to one of the yards, where some of the stable hands' children played ball games on most afternoons. They did not get far before running into their mother and her handmaidens.

„And where are you going, my sons?" asked the queen.

„Out, to play." forthright Thor answered.

„Have you tidied up your rooms yet, then?" Frigga smiled mildly.

„No, mother!" Thor retorted indignantly. „That's what servants are for. I'm a prince of Asgard!"

Frigga frowned. „Thor, I told you, now and then you need to do such a task yourself, to understand and properly appreciate what the servants do for you. And that day is today. Off you go, to your room!"

He pouted and dawdled, watching his mother turn to Loki, who had wisely stood back in silence. „And you, my son? Have you tidied up your room?"

„Mother, I couldn't!" declared the younger boy, and upon seeing her frown again continued quickly: „I'm the god of chaos! I mustn't create order. It's against my nature."

Queen Frigga and her handmaidens laughed so hard they had to support one another. Loki used this distraction to weasel out.

Hours later, he returned, tousled and smelling of horse, to tell Thor about hide&seek in the stables, penalty kicks, and throwing knife target practice. He also proceeded to eat a double portion of ice cream, to the very last spoon, despite being so full he nearly was sick. Thor hated him for hours.

It took years before the older prince warmed up to his own purview of thunder.


	2. propaganda

**A/N:** Prompt for this one was: Thor reverts to his Frost Giant hatred attitude. "It's blue? Let's kill it!"

Warnings for racism and blatant disrespect of religious feelings.

* * *

**Propaganda**

As usual, Jane sat Thor down on the couch in front of the TV, while she went over the newest data.

Thor loved TV, from sitcoms through sports reports to the news and weather forecast (which he often took mischievous pleasure in proving wrong on his next flight). He even loved the commercials, so glaring, colourful and funny, so unlike merchants haggling in the market, or grumpy dwarven craftsmen, or what else they had in Asgard.

Not today, though.

Jane started from her computer screen when her lover's angry shout rang through the house: „Jötnar! They be cursed!", followed by the sound of Mjölnir smashing the coffee table. She hurried to the living room.

An irate god of thunder stood amidst the remains of her coffee table (rustic medium brown, brand-new), hammer in hand, glaring at the television, where little blue gnomes in white caps and trousers were running from a looming dark magician. „The Smurfs 2 – now in theaters near you!"

„Thor?" she asked timidly. „Thor? What happened?"

„Jötnar. Frost Giants." He pointed at the television, a pained look upon his face. „They have somehow infiltrated your world's entertainment programs."

„Thor, those are smurfs. That's an animated movie for children. It's harmless, and it's fun."

„I know, Jane. They are doing this on purpose, contorting your kind's image of them into harmless funny gnomes, when in truth they are vile brutes, bloodthristy monsters, which should be killed on sight. This is their propaganda. You must not fall for it!"

„Erm, Thor? Those smurfs, they aren't real. They are comic figures, originally invented by a Belgian artist long ago. I grew up with the comics. Actually, I still have some – wait, here, take a look."

* * *

A short time later, Darcy Lewis' phone rang.

„Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, what can I do for you? Reciting poetry in 10 – 9 – 8 ..."

„Darcy, it's me, Jane!", Jane's frantic voice called. „Thor's gone nuts. Can you help me? I don't know what to do. He's going to burn my old smurf comic books in the yard. And my cookie monster doll. And Super Grover!"

For a moment, Darcy's mind froze; this was just too weird. Then instinct kicked in: „Film it!"

„What?"

„Film it! Cell phone on it, live recording. Tell him you are. He won't want to be seen doing stupid shit, right?"

„Ooo-okay. I'll try that."

They were utterly mistaken.

Thor even explained earnestly into the camera how burning representatives of evil was necessary for the good of mankind, while in the background a blue polyester Super Grover shrivelled on a campfire of burning comic books, emitting toxic smoke.

„Dude, this is so going up on facebook."

* * *

A few days later, director Fury called Thor in to SHIELD headquarters and politely requested that the Asgardian return to his home planet until further notice.

He did not mention that first campfire in Jane's backyard, nor the second, or third, when 'concerned' people worldwide, alerted by Darcy's facebook entry, had asked Thor to burn some more books they considered harmful, and he had obliged.

The Harry Potter book burning had not been that bad. (Not the first case of that anyway.) The biology textbooks had not caused any major unrest either, nor the Marilyn Manson CDs. But an Avenger publicly burning the Qur'an alongside some Monsters Inc posters had not gone so well with a large part of Earth's inhabitants. Actually, Taklamastan and the Nûr Republic had stopped cooperation with SHIELD, and the Emirate Al-Thaura had threatened to. They held the planet's sole Vibranium mine.

* * *

Jane looked sad and troubled when the Thunderer waited at the Bifröst site for Heimdall to beam him up. This was another incident he had to blame the Jötnar for. But he would put an end to their meddling, he promised himself.


	3. Me Eat!

**A/N:** Prompt for this one was: Frost Giants can be calmed and soothed by sucking on an icicle, like a baby pacifier.

**Me eat!**

Darcy: "Guys! Come look, quickly! StarkTV reports there's a blue alien landed in New York. Awww, he's cute. Hey Thor, you think they'll drop some more down here? It's raining men and I got none yet."

Jane: "Oh god! What's that woman doing there? Is she a hostage?"

Thor: "Make way, lady Darcy. Oh no, by Valhalla! That's my mother! In the hands of a Jotu ... no, that's my brother, glamoured in Jotun disguise."

Christine Everhart: "... has been sitting in Central Park this past hour, blissfully eating popsicles. On to you, Clark."

Eric: "A bit of a sweet tooth in the family, is it?"

Thor: "I don't understand. Why is Loki there idling away? He should be out defending Asgard, not eating sweets for children."

Darcy: "Says the pop-tart-monster."

*ka-chink*

Thor turns towards the toaster.

Darcy, Jane, Eric: "Poooop taaarrrts! Me eat!"


	4. tax refund

Thor was crowned. Then he feasted. Then he slept.

The following day, he sat on his throne to hear the pleas of Asgard's citizens. Surely there were dragons to slay, maidens to be rescued ...

* * *

King Thor stared at the petitioner, incredulous.

"You want your wife's _mink coat_ refunded by the treasury?"

"The Jötnar are restless. There may be war any day. We all need warm clothing, just in case."

"Your wife is 4200."

"3999, mylord. And that only means she has plenty of experience. She was in the Ladies' Valkyrie Supporters' Society during the last Ice War."

"Your wife is a grandmother of seven."

"Nobody will fight like a grandmother bear."

"Hrmph. Approved. Get out of here. Next!"

"Erm, Sire, about those new skis for my second-eldest grandson ...?"

* * *

Less than an hour later, king Thor greatly regretted throwing out this easy-to-handle unassuming fellow, when the citizens' initiative against the building of the Landviði bypass lightbridge were voicing their objections.

He was rapidly getting an idea why Odin had been so eager to crown him.


	5. gallows bird

**A/N:** warning for attempts at char death

* * *

The electrocuting hadn't been too bad. Compared to Thor zapping him after walking over the carpet in socks when they were children, it was rather mild.

After three tries (then checking the chair, and another, secret, three tries) New York authorities conceded that the sentence had been carried out and handed the convict over to New Mexico.

Puente Antiguo county&state penitentiary was a turn for the worse. Firstly, tamales and tacos could not compare to the lobster dinner New York handed out for a last meal to begin with. Secondly, authorities being cheap, things went down through takeaway pizza to a wobbly cheese sandwich from there.

The executions had been unpleasant as well.

In the gas chamber, all those tacos had made a reappearance. Poison injection tended to bloat the body after the first gallon. And now the hanging, a punishment from the olden days normally reserved for cattle thieves ...

Loki rolled his eyes and wriggled his toes once more. He knew he was getting a sunburn. For whatever reason, they had denied his request for suntan lotion. His supposed "last words" had been "I'll sue you out of your pants should the skin peel from my nose, mark my words!"

The executioner took another swig from his tequila bottle and handed it over to the mayor. They were so in for it come dusk. Maybe at least they could hold the guy responsible for some property damage. But did they really want to hold him any longer?

Just then, the first notes of _"L'Uomo del Harmonica_", main theme from "_Once Upon a Time in the West_", blasted the last few windows in the compound. Everyone winced at the volume. Not only was the guy indestructible, he also had magic, and a taste in good old western movies.  
Well, one out of three.


	6. Crossing Blades with a Jotun

A/N: Written for a 'quotes' prompt on Norsekink LJ. Quoting from Pirates of the Caribbean - Curse of the Black Pearl here. Utter crack.

Disclaimer: PotC is under copyright by Disney, Norse gods by Snorri Sturluson or Marvel as applicable.

* * *

**Crossing Blades With a Jotun**

„Do you think this wise, Ás, crossing blades with a Jotun?"

The boys were fighting with their toy swords in the small living room that connected their individual quarters. Their mother watched them through the hallway, knitting. Loki had wrapped a bathtowel around his hips and tied it with the cord that otherwise would hold the drapes back. He was also blue from head to toes with fingerpaint. Thor wore the fruit basket for a helmet.

„You threatened the realm."

„Only a little."

Thor mock-attacked, Loki parried, both of them intently focused and quite well replicating the moves the weapons master had taught Balder, Volstagg and the older boys the other day when they'd been first allowed to watch. Even down to the footwork.

Soon, Thor had his younger brother cornered, but Loki managed to distract him by glancing around and pointing to all the stick horses, toy hammers and wooden daggers strewn about the room.

„Who owns all these?"

„_I_ do! And I practice with them three hours a day, so that when I meet a Jotun, I can kill it!"

The second Thor had looked around too was enough for Loki to duck out of his corner and jump on the table, nimbly. Clever boy. Now he had the higher ground advantage.

„You need to find yourself a girlfriend, mate! Or, perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch, are you?"

„Lokiiiiii! No using them foreign words from the cyclopedia!"

Thor launched himself at Loki in earnest and shook him off the table, not stopping his little brother's mocking laughter, though. Soon they were rolling on the floor, wrestling.

Frigga sighed and went to send a servant for the magic cleaning lady. Later, she'd have words with the librarians about Loki's reading material.


End file.
